Praising Our Children for Their Efforts — Not Just Their Results
“There is no value judgement more important to a person, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation—than the estimate he passes on himself. The nature of self-evaluation has profound effects on a person’s thinking processes, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is the single most important key to his behavior.”
— Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem
As parents, every time we respect our children’s feelings, offer them choices, or give them the chance to do something by themselves, they grow up believing they are capable.
But often, when our children show us something they’ve drawn, built, or written, our first response is:
“That’s great!”
“Beautiful!”
“Wonderful!”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with these words. But the point is they don’t really help our children see the strengths within themselves. Sometimes, these vague praises can even backfire.
For example, once my son showed me a drawing and asked, “How is it?”
I replied, “It’s wonderful!”
He immediately asked again, “Is it actually good?”
When I repeated, “Yes, you did a great job,” he insisted, “No, you actually don’t like it.”
In that moment, I realized what children really seek is not our opinion, but recognition of their effort. They want us to notice the thought, creativity, and hard work they put into it.
This is where Descriptive Praise comes in—a technique I learned from the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Descriptive Praise has three simple steps:
1. Describe what you see.
2. Describe what you feel.
3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word.
Let’s look at some examples:
Scenario 1: My son built a Lego house for me.
Regular Praise: “The Lego house you made is so beautiful!”
(He doubts whether I really liked it.)
Descriptive Praise: “I see how carefully you matched the colors on each side, and you even added a garden with it. That shows real creativity.”
(Now he feels—“My mother noticed my effort.”)
Scenario 2: Sam wrote a story.
Regular Praise: “Wow! This is a great piece of writing.”
(He wonders if I actually mean it.)
Descriptive Praise: “I loved the part where you wrote about being kind to people. It really moved me. That shows empathy.”
Do you see the difference? With descriptive praise, we help our children discover their strengths like creativity, empathy, determination, initiative, persistence and many more.
These small affirmations stay with them. Later in life, when self-doubt creeps in, they’ll remember the moments when someone helped them see their own talents. And that memory will give them great courage and confidence.
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