This season has turned our home into one big classroom. My children are preparing for their final exams, I’m working on my university assignments, and my husband is attending his MBA classes abroad. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I was reminded of a valuable parenting lesson.
Whenever our children get frustrated with their studies, I tell them, “Our parents used to tell us whenever we complained, ‘We also studied and worked hard at your age.’” But in your case, your parents are studying alongside you. We understand the stress you are going through because we are experiencing it too. And just like you, we also have to go through these challenges to learn and achieve our goals.
Children are still children. Even if we explain things in the best possible way, they will continue to complain because their brains are still developing. They cannot process all the logic at once. They need repeated reminders and many experiences before things truly sink in.
Besides, even as adults, although we understand reality, we still complain about difficult situations because it is one of the ways we release stress. When someone validates our feelings, we feel better. It’s the same for children.
Yesterday, my 12-year-old son was complaining, “Why do I have to study so many things?” I calmly tried to validate his feelings. From what I understood, it wasn’t helping much. After a while, he said, “I want to go to Grandma’s house,” which is just two floors above us.
For my children, spending time there is an emotional reset. Of course, I love that they have such a close bond with their grandparents and cousins. But there’s a reason I don't accept their request all the time because I cannot always control their screen time at their place and I am very cautious about it.
As we all know, screen time can negatively affect children in many ways, including brain development, focus, concentration, and hyperactivity. I try my best to protect my children from excessive screen exposure throughout the year, but during exams I become even stricter.
So I replied, “You can’t go now.”
He asked me several more times, and my answer remained the same. Out of frustration, he shouted, “You’re jealous! That’s why you don’t want me to go!” Then he banged the door.
I didn’t react.
Some of you may wonder if I was spoiling my son by not responding. But let me tell you what happened next.
I was fighting with myself not to react and quietly continued with my work without paying attention to his outburst. After a little while, he came up to me and said, “Ma, I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m very sorry.”
I didn’t respond immediately. I took a few deep breaths because my ego was telling me that he was disrespectful to me. After calming myself down, I hugged him and said, “It’s okay baba.”
If I had reacted in that moment, it would most likely have turned into a power struggle. He might have apologized just to escape my anger, not because he truly meant it. I would have deprived him of the opportunity to go through his emotional arc—to calm down, reflect on what had happened, genuinely feel remorse, and then choose to apologize on his own.
By giving him that space, he was able to recognize his mistake himself, and our relationship was spared unnecessary strain.
Choosing to wait when our children are struggling, especially when every part of us wants to step in and fix things immediately, is choosing to believe in their ability to take ownership of their mistakes, reflect on them, and offer a sincere apology.
Faizah Abdullah
#thedailyparent
#breakingthecycle
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