They Are Allowed to Resist

Lately, I have been struggling with setting boundaries for my children. One of the major reasons, I feel, is the incredible pressure I have been going through over the last few months. I had a long and intense semester, continuously jam-packed with assignments, while my children also had their final exams. I was helping them prepare for their exams while trying to keep up with my own studies. And just as their exams ended, mine began.

At times, I felt like I was failing as a mother because I was frequently losing my calm, while my children were showing resistance to their daily routines. Screen time was also increasing. Everything started to feel difficult and overwhelming.

Two weeks before my exam, I explained to my children that my exam was starting soon, so I would be busy for the next couple of weeks and might not be able to give them much time. By the grace of the Almighty, they were very positive about it. But, of course, that didn't mean they would remain calm the whole time.

Since I spent most of my time locked in my room studying, they got the perfect opportunity to play football inside the house, run around, and fight. Whenever someone got hurt, they would start crying and banging on my door. In those moments, I often failed to remain calm. At the same time, deep inside, I knew that the way I was dealing with the situation was wrong. My conscience was killing me. I can't explain how difficult and sad those moments were for me. Many of you might be able to relate.

As you all know, I created this page to share my learning and experiences as a mother. Today, I want to share a piece of wisdom from Dr. Becky that shifted my perspective and helped me understand one of the main reasons behind the struggle I have been going through.

She said:

“You think it's your job to convince your children to do a task, but it isn't.”

Surprisingly, this is where I had been losing most of my energy and becoming frustrated. Why don't they understand? Even after I had explained to them that I had exams and was busy, why were they still resisting?

For example, my son might shout, “I am not sleeping this afternoon. You cannot make me!”

Dr. Becky emphasizes that a few simple sentences can help us acknowledge our children's feelings while still holding on to our plan.

First, we need to speak to ourselves so that we don't add our panic to our child's panic—because that only makes the situation worse.

“It's not an emergency. My job is not to convince my son to sleep in the afternoon. My job is to stick to the routine.”

Both things can be true: my son is going to sleep in the afternoon, and he can be upset about it.

The sentence my son needs to hear in that moment is:

“I hear you, and the bed is ready for you to sleep.”

After that, there is no need for lectures or long speeches. We simply move on with the routine.

If the protest continues, we can say:

“You are going to sleep. I know it's hard for you, and I also know you can do it.”

No over-explaining. No trying to convince him.

Notice what is happening here: I am holding space for his feelings, but my decision is not changing.

One of the most counterproductive things we do is add our own energy to the resistance. We say things like:

“You are making the same drama every single day! Enough is enough!”

“Stop being ridiculous!”

“How many times do I have to explain to you that you need to rest in the afternoon because...”

The list goes on.

All of these responses can make our children feel like we are against them rather than with them. And when our children feel that we are against them, the resistance often becomes even stronger.

The approach Dr. Becky talks about requires us to hold our ground even when our children are protesting. It requires us not to take their words or resistance personally.

It will not be perfect every time because it is very challenging in those heated moments. There will be times when we lose it. But each time we go through situations where our children resist our routines or boundaries, and we respond with calm and confidence, our children learn:

“My parent can handle me. My parent isn't scared of me. My parent will help me and stay by my side even when I am struggling. We are on the same team.”

And perhaps this is what I needed to remind myself the most.

Setting boundaries does not mean I have to convince my children that they should be happy about them. They are allowed to resist. They are allowed to be upset. And I am allowed to remain steady in my decision.

Maybe that is the kind of boundary I have been struggling to hold—not just with my children, but within myself.

Faizah Abdullah

#thedailyparent

#breakinggenerationalcycles

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