One afternoon, my three boys were playing together. They had built a little house using bedsheets, folding chairs, and tables — one of their favorite games. To be honest, I usually don't allow it, because almost every time it ends in an argument or fight.
That day, though, I had an important assignment deadline. I closed my bedroom door and was deeply focused on my work. They took that as the perfect opportunity to play their favorite game.
Suddenly, I heard loud banging on my door, followed by crying. I rushed to open it and found my youngest son holding his finger in pain.
"Bhaiyu twisted my finger!" he cried.
I could see he was genuinely hurt.
As I was trying to comfort him, my eldest son walked in and immediately started defending himself.
"He's making a big deal out of nothing. It wasn't even that hard."
In that moment, I completely lost my calm.
"How dare you justify yourself?" I shouted. "You just hurt your brother! Instead of saying sorry, you're making excuses and blaming him. What is wrong with you?"
He continued arguing with me until I eventually walked away and returned to my room.
The moment I sat down, I started feeling guilty.
I knew I hadn't handled the situation well. For a long time, I've struggled with knowing how to respond when my child refuses to take accountability for his actions and instead blames someone else.
This wasn't an isolated moment, either. Last month was incredibly challenging for me. I found myself caught in what felt like an endless power struggle with my kids, and I've been feeling disappointed in myself because I've been struggling with my own emotional regulation. The hardest part is knowing how I should respond, yet still falling short in the moment.
As most of you know, I have three sons, and there are days when parenting them feels especially overwhelming — particularly when my own plate is already full. University assignments keep piling up, the household chores never seem to end, and on top of that, I suffer from severe migraines, which make motherhood even more challenging.
For me, too much light and too much noise are major migraine triggers. And if you have boys, you know they're rarely quiet! As the FIFA World Cup was going on — and it being their very first World Cup — they were beyond excited. They spent hours kicking the football around the house and shouting, "GOOAAALLLL!!!" at the top of their lungs. Only someone who experiences migraines can truly understand how painful that can be.
Of course, with all that excitement came the endless complaints, bruises, and injuries. And more often than not, I had to step in to rescue them from fights and arguments — which is the same place the bedsheet-fort incident found me.
Later that day, I came across a video by my favorite parenting expert, Dr. Becky Kennedy, where she explained something that completely shifted my perspective.
"Not taking accountability comes from shame. Shame is the belief that doing something bad means I am bad."
She explained that some children are simply more sensitive to shame. They're wired to feel it more deeply, and that isn't necessarily the parents' fault.
Every time we try to prove ourselves right or convince them that they were wrong, we may unintentionally increase their shame. Ironically, the more shame they feel, the less likely they are to take responsibility for their actions.
Listening to her, I realized that I had unintentionally increased my son's shame.
Instead of trying to win the argument or prove that I was right, the better approach would have been to say something like, "Okay, something went wrong. We'll fix it together."
When children feel safe instead of ashamed, they're much more likely to reflect, take ownership of their mistakes, and eventually learn to apologize sincerely.
I'm still practicing this myself — it doesn't come naturally in the heat of the moment, and I don't always get it right. But every time I choose safety over shame, I see a little more of the accountability I was hoping for in the first place.
Let's practice this new approach together. Have you ever experienced something similar with your child? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments!
✨️If this resonates with you, feel free to repost it to spread the message 🙏🏻
Faizah Abdullah #thedailyparent
#breakinggenerationalcycles